Numb Part 2 - What an adventure!

I was reading a blogger called Hyperbole and a half and I realised how cool she is. She actually made her 2 week intense depression story into a comic caricature and put it on her blog. She writes with words and pictures. What an expression.

It's an awakening of sorts, coming alive to the fact that there are so many talented people in the world and most of them a click away. And me just on the brink of discovery. At times I find it easier to write what my fingers and brain have in common than think, pause, drum my fingers and write again. To me that substituted the purest form of writing. Till I realised that maybe that was just the clutter cleaner. The real magic will start after that, with many fits and bursts. I'm having a season of fits and bursts with intense bouts of laziness.

I'm blaming my laziness, my innate fear of not doing a good job on others, on my circumstances. Choosing to not hand in work or delay it and regret it later saying I could have, but I didn't at that time. Martyr. Part of me regrets a few things, like not being able to help for Cutting Chai. Be a part of one of the biggest festivals of all time and be vibrant, alive and feel and give back to the course that has shaped me. Been one of my biggest life changing decisions. And here strangely I realise, when i want something really bad, I go after it with a vengeance. And I get it. Always. Admission in Nationals, Getting through UTV with only 1 show in my resume.

And now is the getting time. And while I won't deny I'm not feeling like the get to it with a vengeance. I will have to get it back and get to it. Without that I will be mediocre, hopelessly lost and just in the crowd.

It's scary, being a freelancer in the media, trying to make a name and also being good at your job. Lots of people are good at their job, but people don't know them much. The trick being to be good at your job, great at networking, brilliant at communication skills. What you say comes back to you 10 times around.

It's difficult and you tend to slip. Now and then. Dark times come. Like the one now. And then you watch Castle and you hear " Rejection is not failure, giving up is" and you know that it is actually what you have to hear. Maybe a sign, maybe just a dumb TV show. But it worked. For that time.

I have a long long long way to go and these days feel like I've fallen into a pothole. But i have to get out without the paramedics or the CID :)

So it's always a choice, when you have nothing, work on you. Find delight in the fact that things you never could do can be done now. When cornered all you can do is fight back and try and get out. I'm trying to get out.

Words come like bullets. One shot after the other. And the recoil is terrific and painful. But necessary.