Stupid and Smart - Where we meet saunf stealers, romantic superheroes and common people..who lead simple lives

I robbed all the saunf in a tissue paper from Discovery the other day giving it to auto driver because at some point I realised it was too much for me...I also realised i am eminently sane person with bouts of madness, but when it comes to standing up for me..I can do it (which makes me so proud of me) and really serious discussions make me laugh inside..secretly, like i want to detach myself from my body and just point a finger and laugh, laugh till my insides burst..becase honestly I don't find anything worth soooo much discussion...I would rather have music in my head and sand under my feet and the ocean and dance to the waves....there are times when I just want to escape to do that...Living is important...Living and enjoying even more so...

I write..Sometimes it's the only worthwhile thing to do..it seems like the only thing that I can do and would want to do...But what to write? Because censors exist everywhere, you can't write what you feel really really really deep down, because people think it's morbid, too cynical, too weak, too emotional and end up going "sheesh" so weak...But at times, when no one listens and even if they do, they're too busy trying to tell you what's right and wrong that they miss the silent plea..of listening to me..really listening..to what you have to say. So i write.

I really do believe that love exists, that people find people and live with their fights, comforts, tears, angers and jealousies...they eventually fight hard enough to overcome their problems, because the bigger picture is important, ultimately the coming together back again and smiling and looking forward to a next day is important...You don't have to love someone the same way everyday or even love them at all everyday..I'm sure there are times that we hate even ourselves, then how can you expect people to love you everyday the same! And how boring would that be...

And while it's important to not judge and compare, somewhere a sneaking doubt sets in and comes back to haunt you...and I don't know what i'm writing, or what I want to write or what are the words coming back...How do you know you're fighting a losing battle or that suddenly something will change? That this time around things will be different and they are for the better..do you stick on and wait..or do you not stick on but still secretly wait...for the unexpected third act, for the miracle, for the grand gesture...

And what is it about love that makes you want to stick by and do weird things, go out of your way over and over again...which makes you want to hang on inspite of all signs, all friendly warnings, threats, dire predictions...it's not over till it's over...Till the blinkers come off and the lights turn off..

The smarter, stronger ones leave it halfway before it turns into a war or a holocaust...the even more smarter ones go all the way...surviving the holocaust and coming out stronger than before.

The stupid ones merely get into the war again and again and again...

Or maybe they're actually the smartest..because for that point..till that time, they absolutely believe.

Stupid...To not stand up and know that you deserve the very best and nothing less than the best will do!

Perfection

We're not perfect..all of us...We cannot be. And while we try and be honest about things...it's mainly the barriers we create that stop us...from knowing what we have. I mean c'mon you think your friend has the perfect life...no she doesn't..she just works hard to keep it that way..to maintain that illusion...but maybe eventually it's what you did..and you've done it..ab kar liya..ho gaya uske baad bolke kya fayda?!

I feel like writing deep and long..but i find myself questioning me..am i too harsh in my judgment of people!? Do i judge people with the same measure that i judge myself..with such exacting standards..so that i have no value of them in my lives..everything is about strong and weak...who is a good person..or rather what is a good person? What is weak and so what is strong? How do we judge? Words hurt...they have power..when said or shouted or just spat out..

I feel like talking like Henrietta from "The Hollow" (Agatha Christie) who says " What will i do now? I'm so tired..." and Poirot says "Courage"...When things are very dark...remember that you helped...(The mystery of the blue train)

I always turn to books in times of trouble, pain, stress, love, life, happiness..all emotions..there are some which are feel good books, there are some which are meant to be read, there are some which inspire you...there are some with stories so poignant they make you cry...

I feel tired..and aged...so old that the lines feel like a string stretch too thin...I suppose it's a part of being grown up; to pretend...

sticks and stones

Funny how harsh reality can snap you back from delusion more than anything else...sticks and stone may hurt my bones..but words will never hurt me...sticks and stones are easier to bear..words keep on resounding in your head..and haunt at the most inopportune moments...like when you're just popping off to sleep..and in comes a stray thought, and you try to push it away but it manages to sneak in all the same..and you lie wide awake thinking and thinking, your mind jumping from to the other to the other...and you know you will be late to go to office again the next day

I was looking at my blogs today..all of them and I realised how many great words of wisdom have i written in these html pages over the last 4 years...so today when i need all the gyaan i can get..what better way than to look back at what you have written and make yourself feel strong again..

Romanticise life, it shows you have an imagination (Original original original - Anu Mallick style)

Dear heart,

Him!

Sincerely,

Brain (Taken from some website)

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. (Princess Diaries)

There is so much more to life, travel, see the world, fall, cry, laugh, meet people, eat, go down a river.. (Original original original - Anu Mallick style)

I do not yield. I choose. I decide.

I am not rigid. I am strong. (Original original original - Anu Mallick style)

Mixture of creativity, dreams, vision, passion n craziness is wat makes u an artist.. (Original original original - Anu Mallick style)

But that was a different time

And those were different people ( (Original original original - Anu Mallick style))

Sometimes friends get stuck in a time warp, or it's you who's moved too fast. The ones you feel worth waiting for, or who wait for you....last a lifetime. The rest are just phases (Original original original - Anu Mallick style)

You should give yourself more credit than others..that way you're always ahead of them..and compliments rarely take you by surprise.

And I realise that I have more courage and strength than I thought I was capable of. How I judge people with lesser harshness than I judge myself....and how while I may be stable and steady doesn't mean that I am cold...and any sign of emotion doesn't mean weakness for what would you be if you were a poker faced statue all your life..

And lastly, my queen of inspiration and woman who can charge me up

“If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.”
― Nora Roberts

Talk back

People have told me what not to write....Friends telling me not to write...But then if i don't how will i live? How will i move on if I cannot pen down what I'm feeling and if i don't how do i get it out? For i am emotionally challenged...how do you say things to people when all you can say is big deep words and poetical lines which look like they've been lifted out of a book...how do you say it when you know that when you face people eventually, you have your "matter-of-fact" tone in place and not an emotion out of place...all very straight, sharp and strong. Correct posture - check, hair tied - check, hands clasped - check, voice straight and even - check. Now you can talk. Action.

And why would people want to be burdened with you..with what you feel? Everyone has enough of their own already..besides you would feel like a child, defeated and whining if you say such things...and if they slip out you apologise...for being so weak and saying such things...so i write. because words can't talk back, because words don't need apologies and words don't judge or put me in slots....i can be who i am.

Courage and strength - I wonder if these 2 are synonymous? Can you have strength but not courage? or vice versa....and then people say i'm tired of being this...being that...everyone is tired..but like someone told me...we all act. At all times, in office, at parties, at home, in front of friends, lovers, policemen, in the train... it is lifelong. And like Saif says in Love Aaj Kal "Main defective piece hoon paaji, zyada der dukhi nahi reh sakta..sachmein..maine yeh notice kiya hain apne baare mein"..which is true ..people do go on living don't they? There is so much to see...every moment, so much to do, so much to plan (which never gets put into action, but the fun is in the planning) and so many instances of people all around who will if you just stop and stare...amaze you every time...like man in lokhandwala wearing cowboy boots (god knows why!) , the hot chick jogging along carter road (how i envy her), the hot guy jogging alongside her (I envy her even more!), the child who sneaks out and runs away from his parents to pet the roadside dog....the friend's fighting and sharing hot coffees, idling away time...

I feel like shrugging my shoulders everytime...I mean it isn't so bad...you take your choices, you do what you can and in the end you live...free will..you cannot ask what people do not want to give you...and you cannot help where people refuse to be helped..and beyond a point it is their journey alone...friends can only be there till a certain point..after which all they do is stand in line, waiting for you to come back or to catch you if you fall...the lucky ones escape with just an "I told you so...now let's go shopping and forget about all this"...the unlucky ones get the lectures of their lives...But all ends well. People don't die. However much you want to or you feel like, the will to live conquers all.

I remember what Nora Roberts wrote

“Broken hearts healed. Maybe the cracks were always there, like thin scars, but they healed. People lived and worked, laughed and ate, walked and talked with those cracks

For many, even the scars healed and they loved again.”

Music at the edge

Sometimes the music dies..

Or stutters and stops..fading to silence

And while we hate it, we still welcome it

Don’t tell me of tomorrow and what it may plan

Or what is not to be…tell me about today

Because today is all we have

But at the edge of hearing…I can still hear a faint sound

And music still abounds…forever after

Sometimes it is I who stopped listening

Sometimes it is the music that went far away

Far away but never out of sight…never out of touch

You look around and you see…all signs of being

Being me…being me…being me

And the words that come out of your mind surprise you

But if this is who you are…then why not accept it?

Dance in the moonlight with shadows falling on you

Sing in the wind with the whistles echoing around you

Walk in the twilight with the light fading around you

Smile because it makes you…smile because you can

Smile because the music at the edge has lifted into a song

A song so bright it will lift you with joy and make you spin

The compounder

He always took a long time in giving medicines. A friendly smile, a little chit chat, enquiring after the health of mister so and so and how is the little baby today? Does the new AC work well?...Till the other patients would come out and one by one queue up outside his counter waiting to take their medicines…and still he wouldn’t be done with the first one.

There was always a list of regulars whom he remembered…Mr. Patel, Mrs.Jhariwala, the dhobi from across the street, the little girl who would wander in for a digene to suck on…he always spoke and spoke a lot. Many people complained to the doctor about the compounder’s incessant talking habit, he would spill the medicines while talking, scratch himself in weird places, pick his nose and generally take ages in dispensing them even when he knew there were many patients waiting in the line.

The doctor would duly scold him and he would be quiet, for a day and then his self imposed punishment would break through and he would be back again the next day. But still people came to the doctor, because he was a good one with a nice manner...probably his compounder should have been in PR or events or a talk show host, his extensive talking talents seemed to have been wasted sitting in a cubicle shut up all day long amongst the Cetrzines and Metafloxes and B Compounds. But he had a knack, even if you didn’t want to talk or were too ill he would end up making you chat with him for 5 minutes atleast till you woke yourself up and managed to escape…Fat ladies with irritating children and thin ladies with listless children and aging uncles with hernia problems and young people with their aching problems all of them would be talked to by him and would talk back.

And so the years passed, and the hair on the compounder’s head turned grey, but his tongue grew no moss, it kept on rolling as ever.

This is the first part..I don't know what to write next...

Changes

So today began in a snit...with me making my endless lists. Every list has leftovers of the previous one..until each list looks like the previous ones. But people say these are testing times...And while I should enjoy and look upon it as a passing phase, it's difficult not to be depressed when you're very freshly 23 and wanting to do something out of your life..fast and asap and in your mind you fluctuate between being 21 or 25, so at the best of times you don't know who you are!! It is a rare blue moon day indeed when you're 23..like the sun..the revolutions keep on going.

I love stories about people...sad ones, funny ones, inspiring ones, devious ones..makes me wonder at how much people have done...something about trying to imagine and feeling the second hand pleasure in listening to such things...Makes me want to add mine till all there is an exchange of stories and moments..each zipping out so fast that you're in a hurry to finish them all and not miss out on anything...zip zip zip...words pouring out in a tumble and rush

Exploring the city feels nice..something I always wanted to do and I never thought i'd be doing it with anyone apart from my vela friends. Sometimes self doubt can kill you and others too..anything new necessarily doesn't mean it's wrong or fatal..maybe like the new parts of the city..it's just there waiting to be explored..even if it happens in a roundabout way..the journey matters as much as the end. And then you wonder..oh damn...oh shit..it's there all along...didn't see it at that point.

Words, signs, quotes, songs, movies, moments...all these things matter so much in making you live each day after the other...like riti who sums up her entire day in one line...and wonders at the end of one month at the various moods she put herself through...I do that when i read my old blog posts or my old diary posts..

I read somewhere that people change every 7 years...apparently the cells of your body undergo a change...and everything right down to your spirit changes...so who you are at 7 will not be the same at 14 or 21 or 27...seems like such a philosophical thing to say...but in a way its true...but i think it applies to every year..who you are every year changes...I'd like to be a child once more but I can't, I've gone through that and i'm me now...The best part being that i simply cannot be bothered about a lot of things now...which probably a year ago would have made me sit on my toes (breaking them in the process) and start talking at 32x speed (which i still do)

I'd like to stand on a mountain top and look at the valley below and breathe in...deep deep deep and feel the air slice through my lungs...Alive and fresh and just a little pump of adrenaline