Noises

After days of no net connection, it feels like heaven to get back your keyboard and your familiar blog window. It's a season of many firsts, many olds...many patterns being repeated. If I am smart enough to see that..that is.

Castle has come back, with an all series and I love more than ever the way Detective Beckett and Castle walk around their feelings for each other. Beautifully crafted.

IPL is the current bane of our lives as of now so many hundreds like me in the TV industry have no job, not for lack of trying. I had one, i just couldn't stick to it. My first - Quitting a place midway. Felt good. Felt positive.

Noises in my head which start at 8 in the morning, the moment I wake up and go on till 3.30 - 4.00 in the afternoon, by which point I usually give up and sleep or sit and make projections for future, and my thoughts fluctuate pretty much like a pendulum.

Partying which seems like the most filmy and american way to forget (or at least try to drown your sorrows in alcohol) decking up, girly pics, lots of giggling, buying alcohol and mixing it with sprite and drinking it on the way...puking (in my case) on the pavement at 4 am in the morning. Much madness, much mush, much hugging and holding onto girlfriends for support.

I know I will look back at all this and think, oh man, I was a maniac. But one thing that surprises me every time is the spine, the strength which somehow I never knew I was capable of. Be it work or personal life or just in the way I see things...I don't feel like settling for anything less than the very best. People tell me I had it all along, maybe I just refused to see it. But i can feel myself being more vocal, yet not loud. More strong, yet not aggressive.

Everyone at this point, at least in the group that I know has shit in their lives..love lives and work lives to be very precise (family shit is an ongoing process like decomposition) Maybe it's just part of being 23 and on the brink of change. Everything seems grown up, everyone seems to be shifting and changing gears, work patterns, getting married (i wonder why so soon though!) At times I feel like it'll be so cool to get married, take care of the house, worry about the supply of tea and face towels running out. That's it. Till I realise that there's more to it. And i'm being a fool.

At times tears come, more from what isn't and the sorrow for what will not be than anything else. Also at times from self pity. Not from courage. Not from character. And i realise that I need to do something about the noises in my head. Simplify them or atleast address them one at a time.

I've always felt a burning need to do something, to be something, to feel like I've arrived. And that doesn't mean an x amount of money or x position. Just a space in my head and heart.

Sometimes you end up tallying your scores with others, re adapting your life's plan to accomodate others, or sometimes you go along content to change as the winds change. Content to see where they take you. The thrill being the next thing waiting right at the corner. I belong to this last category. Gypsy. But no more, I'm making plans for life, for everyday which I intend to stick to (atleast 80%) the boring ones like jog every morning and tally your daily expenses to the more daring ones like bungee jumping before 30 and mussoorie trip on my own...backpacking.

The noises still abound, they were always there. There were just too many outside sounds which drowned them. Now I can hear them clearly.

Courage. Till the next time.