This year..soon to be last year

The year's ending and now when I will look back maybe this time next year I will laugh at things....and be better evolved than I am now...more grown up..which is a pain...I would have loved to be 18 forever or 21.....The discovery of being in BMM at 18 and the joy of being an independent working woman with a steady salary and half a year's experience behind her...both important phases...both so special...One so hates to be grown up.

But all said and done...it's been an interesting phase and I've moved back and forth...said many many many wise things...some as a result of realizations and personal experiences, some quoting others..simply because they said it too nicely and i didn't want to pass a chance by to show off. Found out that half the things that worry me at 4 am in the morning or when I wake up are not even a part of other people's list...and half the things that worry them at 4 am or in the morning are not in my list...and will never be...worriers are a class apart...maybe we should join some classes where we can show off our worries...oh so u think making ends meet is a worry...well big shit..I broke my toenail and now it'll be ages before it grows back..

I've forayed into new forms of work...tried to fight with myself time and again to get into writing full time...gone to the edge...but come back too scared to take that leap...I'm taking the leap now...im in mid air actually...so I just have to see how hard i fall..or if there are any airbags waiting for me below...if not..I'll have to get up and start walking...in the hopes that i can run one day...and the above is so typically me...writing about my writing efforts using leap as a metaphor...confusing :)

I've worked like a maniac for 5 months...learnt a lot of hard lessons for which i'm very proud of...shaped myself up into a hardened person..stronger than before..got jaundice..which sucked but the weight loss and consequent empty hours forced me to think...and out came a lot of things piled under the carpet...and i feel like I've achieved a good 50% of those things...hence no more scary worries at 4 am or when i wake up...till the time new ones are formed.

I've been getting a lot of patience lessons lately..by friends, parents, on Facebook, random quotes which seem to jump out at me when i least expect them...It's like being 18 and looking for love signs..all the while knowing in your head that things aren't going to work out....Patience quotes are that way..they try their best knowing it's not going to work out...I have the patience of a hummingbird...

But the best part is that i feel more content in me....the mad rush has gone (Patience...you should keep this in mind!) I find myself opening up to new avenues..like i did before with the whole "Chal try karte hain"..attitude which is good...i wouldnt want to be a stuffy old woman at 23...which some one told me is "old"!!

Sometimes things don't work out...and i realise it's just wrong timing and even here if i am "patient" enough ..i shall see results..I just need to be with me...rediscover and love this new me...more like permanently rather than the whole "hmmm...is she for real"...

On the whole, it's been an interesting year...how do you say good when you cannot define it for the entire 365 days...some were good, some were bad, some are "let's not even go there" while some are plain blissful...

It's important to keep the ones that matter in a glass box...so that i can dig down and watch them whenever i want...and feel the warmth envelop me like a cocoon....and smile...

For isn't that courage??