Shock Therapy

So yesterday was therapeutic...where I cried like the world would end...and worst of all is that I cried in front of ankit who poor guy had no clue why I was crying...neither did i actually when it comes to that....All i know is that i bought tinkle and a nora roberts and then i met him and next thing you know the heaviness in my stomach is actually not gas or indigestion and the tiredness is not due to actual work...it just came out in one big waaaaaaaaaaaah...waaaaaaaaah...and sob sob..with hitches in my breath and ankit standing in the middle of the road looking helpless, dashing back to the car to get tissues and people looking at us as if we are having a breakup...giving suspicious looks to the guy...(Hmm..Breakup..wowowowo - what has he done.They look normal...must be a jerk..she must be pleading with him to not end it..) And then i composed myself, realising that the 10 kilo kajal that i had applied to my eyes would smudge and make me look like a racoon if I don't stop now...and then back in the car..with ankit still warily eyeing me like a bomb about to explode...and when i sit back it starts again..with a little sob sob escalating into full blown covering your face with your hands and rocking yourself back and forth with the pain and crying as if you want to empty your soul...and poor ankit is still helpless...so the conversation goes like this

Rucha - sob sob...mumble mumble (my face is in my hands so even i can't get what i'm saying)

Ankit - Rucha...please stop...(ineffectively trying to hand me a tissue) is there something else that is worrying you??

Rucha - waaaaaaaaaaahh...wahhhhhhh...(I sink even lower in my seat..i think at one point i even touched the floor..almost)

Ankit - Rucha...

Rucha - Ok..ok..right..I'm ok (At this point i spot a guy looking at me..and I make a face at him and he walks off...and this snaps me back to normalcy) ..I made a face at that guy..he was staring at me

Ankit - Rucha...you're mad...are you ok?

Rucha - Yes yes..nothing..just let's go home...reaching home from the 8th platform shouldn't take 45 minutes (I haven't told my mom i'm meeting ankit..my train stopped at the 8th platform and it takes ages to reach my house...but never 45 minutes)

So we go home...on the way Ankit driving his car (very badly) with jerks and stops and much pressing of the brake...while we talk, about life, love, pesky ex girlfriends, how to live and studies...such a normal conversation...And all the while my hands are itching to reach out for a pen and paper or my keyboard..so i can finish what i started with crying..the therapeutic purging...which will only end if write all my deep, dark, cynical thoughts and lock them up...never to be seen or used.

I love movies and books and songs, they help you get out of phases, or get into them! At times every word seems to mirror your life or every sequence seems to be a deja vu of what has already happened to you..and you try and search for signs..such a human thing to do...searching for signs...thinking hope is eternal...which to my mind is...everytime that we go back and do something or let go of something and look beyond the petty things is hope...and that's howwe operate or we wouldn't have lived as a race at all... (I'm reading too much of LOTR)

So my xmas plan was to watch Love Actually...laugh at the funny scenes, cry at sad ones, sigh at the romantic ones..eat lots of food, spaz out like a vegetable in front of the TV and get up hours after the movie is over...with the TV screen flickering in the background and me lost in my world..But i had an even better one spent at Mrinal's house where Ankit bowed to my superior planning and acting skills...Mrinal indeed was surprised that we actually came :)

Even better was xmas eve..with so much socializing that I felt like a jet...jumping from airport to the other...work meeting, lagna and su, harsha and gang, sudipta's party and much more... 4 sets of people..I'm so proud of me...but more than proud I feel so incredibly lucky to have all these people as part of my life..Lagna, Su, Sanaya..the constants who will tell you you're being an idiot and when you still continue to be one..will wait for you to come back and offer their unconditional love and support...(with an added "I told you so")...Harsha, Mrinal, Riti and Ankit each one of them so patient with bearing me and my moods for the last 1 year...and now finally all of us on Harsha's terrace on the 24th floor...looking at the twinkling lights of the city below us...eating pizza and discussing our goals for the next year...with the wind blowing through our hair and songs being heard just on the edge of our hearing.faint enough for us to discern what song it is...I haven't been to her terrace in the last 8 months...or maybe a year..I barely remember now what was...

But as I came back home..I realised that while I was sad... I was also happy to have such people in my life..to be a part of theirs...

It's like looking out at the lights below and just feeling nice..no thoughts, nothing...just you and the endless world to delight at