Confessions

So I let my fingers type...Because I don't think I can express what I feel....23 is going to come soon....and I have no countdown...no plans....no birthday wishes...No need for gifts....I feel strangely content....the kind where you don't want people to be there...you know they are there...Where you want to do your own thing...achieve your own targets...buy your own gifts...I don't want anything...Except to just be...And I do not know why I have reached this weird limbo...Like Varun Thakur said...It's like andheri east...Inception was made there...

Because what i do best is write...And type...Im letting my mind wander...my fingers think...as i so often do....My nephew will turn a year old tommorow...On my birthday..and I cannot remember loving anyone so much....I used to sit up at nights..just to watch him sleep...and see his tiny fingers curled up...He is very smart...he can speak the alphabet..parts of it..and he crawls and makes my sister's life hell....That's the best part...He's going to grow up to be a nuisance...and I love such people...22 was spent in thinking...at fortis hospital...wondering when will the baby come out...and then back to work...21 was spent in planning...and then the constants..the ones who mattered...turned up...rest didn't and i realised later why...20th was the best...because I wasn't on the change of me....I wasn't on the brink of what I call boring....serious....thinking too much....

But one cannot go back....while I am more serious now...I do know that I am also more careful...a careless word....a loose temper...all under control...(My tongue refuses to be tamed...inspite of my best efforts) I feel like peter pan and wendy...A little sad for a part of youth has gone...But you know Neverland exists...and it's always there..on the edge of belief...Blink once and it's gone...But on the whole I'm proud of the new me...because I can take no...I can say no...I can be depended upon...even if I don't want to be depended upon...(I do my best to be out of the limelight) and I can write..and read and laugh...

Besides who says that you cannot be sad on your birthdays...It's not a hard and fast rule...I've always been irritated with rules...while they do bring order to chaos...a little bit of organised chaos never hurt anyone...I was walking on the street and thinking what to write...and i realised i was muttering and smiling to myself....

So i decide to give myself a chance...To give myself the benefit of doubt..and actually see..not think, not judge, not analyse...I have all the time in the world...and if people want me...the real me..they will wait....because all the good things are worth waiting for...For the first time..I want to take it slow...and decide for me...All said and done...I have to take care of me..

But I feel like smiling and making a countdown...and leaning and letting go...and letting life sort itself...not being in control (and trying to not get panic attacks for not being in control) I feel magnanimous..like telling my friends and society and parents to go take a hike...and do exactly as i feel....no preconceived notions...Nothing...No baggage...Just free...like flying...I'm going to fly....And I feel like taking all the money and going off to musooorie or coorg..renting a bungalow and writing...spend my days writing and going out meeting the locals...chatting with them...drinking coffee from the roadside stall...collecting milk and newspaper early morning....sitting down to a lonely breakfast and enjoying the music of silence...just me...sitting at the table with the morning sunlight falling on me...going out for long walks...tramping along the countryside...and coming back home...really living... valuing...seeing...

I love walking barefeet in the wet grass...I love flowers...And I love fountains...I can sit by for hours with the rain falling on my face...writing in my head...and away....watching the clouds make mist...Lonavala

What I want...if someone were to ask me that...I would say peace...Or to cry....The freedom and the space and the catalyst to cry...just cry till I feel empty...the nice wala empty...and god knows why...

Intense...After ages...But one of the most honest things I've written...

That's me in Silvassa with Mrinal and Vanessa...trying to jump the water sprinklers and avoid getting wet...One my best times...