Catching up

A hundred thoughts have been coming to my mind these days...But I simply didn't feel the strength or motivation to write...My fingers have itched and my mind has formed a hundred stories to pen down...certain interesting ones and many sad ones...Funny ones where I see a slice of life which amuses me to no end...and certain thought provoking ones where I cry like a wounded animal in pain....dumb and mute....

So I thought, today I'll write about so and so and this and this...But it never amounted to anything...So today here I am writing whatever comes to my mind...And let's see where it goes...A line from Lord of the Rings comes to my mind -

"The road goes ever on and on ...
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone, 
And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."

The first thing that comes to my mind is that blogger has changed its template...so im finding it a little odd  to type..My cough has yet not gone inspite of repeated medicines..on the other hand some of fat has gone...so tshirts which fit like second skin earlier now look good on me...and I feel less paunchy and fat than before...that definitely is one plus...

I am realising how much I can push myself if i actually try everyday..I danced in high fever and cough, gave a decent enough performance and actually lived to tell the tale..I consider that courage and strength to not back down and finish what you had to do...no matter what the circumstances

I have been in love and out of it...in the past couple of months and again in love and again out of it...Like waves in an ocean..coming in...and going out..I have taken care of my pregnant sister whom i wish has a a normal delivery so that she can be happy...Pregnancy is painful and im going to adopt kids..I have decided that...

I learn that keeping your mouth shut and working steadily sometimes gives you better results than talking all over the place...I feel like a machine that is well oiled and has sudden rundowns due to low maintenance and zero care...I feel like investing in myself and growing...even if it means trying not to get angry at every small thing and learning to let go...even if it means fake networking and smiling to people who can be of use to you in the future. I have learnt tha however precise and long my task list...it will never be over unless the day is endless and the amount of new tasks that "have - to - be - done - asap" reduce... But my efficiency has increased and i feel that...

There are times when i wish i wasnt working and there was someone to take care of me and my needs...then i realise that i should be happy since its very few people who can live their life almost 85% the way they want to...spend their money on good food and places and still have enough to support their parents...and im managing this for the past one year..so its ok if i dont get commerce and banking and investments..I will learn and i will be good..the thepla blood will come out one day...and reassert itself (Im just lucky i wasnt name kinjal or sejal)

I have learnt that I can be a control freak and a pushover...but i have learnt that i deserve nothing less than the best..so if I am a control freak...my reasons behind it are purely selfish and im ok with them

I have learnt that sometimes..some people dont care enough and even though it pains...like a constant chronic ache..you have to accept it and live. In the past couple of months i have seen the toll on my family especially mom and i realised that she isnt growing any younger and she has been doing the same thing - taking care of us for the past 30 years and more and if im tired after one month or one year, she has 30 years of tiredness to let go off...and it takes time

I have reconnected with old friends..tried to keep in touch with the ones who matter..calmed down..kicked men who trying to act fresh...had train fights...realised that whenever i wear good clothes that day it rains like the wrath of god...and my dresses are ruined...rejected one more proposal, made a couple of new friends...worked like a dog and not partied like one...thought of ideas which can be path breaking...and have bought a levi's jeans for 800 - my first real expensive "not - really - thought - out - need - based - shopping". I just saw them and bought them...damn my money schedule....

And I have learnt that nothing can be forced...That i can cook rice and dal at 1.00 in the night which are actually edible the next day ..i proved it by eating them...even though the rice showed a disposition to fly out of the cooker and straight onto the ceiling.

I have learnt to live with pain and its constant aches...realising that love simply isn enough...at the end of the day you take your chances..and do your best, the rest is out of your hands..I have had several discussions which made me ponder and contemplate..the best of all being

"Never live life in a straitjacket...live enormously and love passionately..damn the consequences" - Bulbul Ma'am

And above all...I believe i am finally making peace with myself...truce..for now :)