Of dreaming and wanting

I think it's got something to do with growing older...You walk lesser, you forget, you take small things more seriously, coz the smaller things mean job, money, the power to go out and do shit...But what if it didn't matter? Would that make you a drifter? Or would that be the license for ppl to call you unfocused, childish...I'd like to think of myself as being more patient than last year....hence with people who don't really hold down a steady job or just study endlessly..As long as they're ok...I shouldn't be too worried.

But then I bitch...coz I like to...coz I’m a girl (though i know that boys bitch too, with more gaalis) Sometimes, or rather lots of times, I feel that life is passing me by...when I see people going out doing their shit, and the travel and the places they've been to or the exciting things they; ve done over the weekend...And i feel so second hand alive..Like this is it....one of those things where memory just takes a backup photo which you can keep on referring to again and again and again

I felt that last month when I got wet in the rain...and I could feel each drop fall on my face and I felt alive...like wow...this is bliss...or when I was waaaaaaaaaaaay above the sea in goa...trying hard not to think about falling while taking in the view around....I want to fly...like genuinely fly..at times I imagine I’ve got wings sprouting out from my shoulder blades, like eagles and I’m flying up up up...it's like a place in my head I go to when I’m stressed out or too tired or bored..

I feel like blowing up all my money, like going to London or travelling to places like coorg, Ireland, Sitka...exotic places which we only get to see in films....and coming back and starting all over again..To risk all...in one throw...which also means living like a beggar...

I feel tingle tingle...like I want to do something big and say wow...dude I could have died out there or my heartbeat is just not slowing down...but let’s do it all over again! And I want to do it with my college friends, whom I’ve known for 5 years now...and all of us are in very very serious danger of going apart...and I don’t know how to fix it...partly coz I can’t be bothered half the time..Partly coz the rest half is spending in worrying over it...And when I do try and do something, I get angry coz no one listens to me...

I heard this in the movie O - All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but... to take flight, to soar above everything and everyone, now that's living.I feel restless, like the winds are changing again...And I want to live...like every day, be that mad person who lives every day for herself...for what it is, there's no "later" time...all there is, is "now"