Now what?

I haven't written since ages. But I don't feel guilty. It's not because I couldn't, or didn't want to. But because I had no time to write. The music has come back in my head. Stronger than before and my head all but bursts with the light of it. With the strength, the intensity and the flow....the words which don't stop.

And now I realise while it's silly to stop or have so much pain that it stops, I know it won't hurt so much again....or maybe it will. But the music will come back. The words will flow.

I've changed, become weaker, spineless and more vulnerable. More assurance seeking, less confident. But I've also become calmer, less temperamental. Infintely more boring. God knows why.That drive to do new things has gone...So gone. No new take the day as it comes and explore and do mad things. More like, days come and go..planning is important, slotting is important. Boring is important.

I am a geek, always was. I don't know any other way to be. I like control and I love putting things in their place in my head. Which is when I can face them and talk. But random things....need to start being random.

For my own sanity and overall health. Life doesn't stop. While the greatest of scars remain with you forver and remind you of the battles won, they also fade with time..Until they are no more but a memory.

I have or rather had a HUGE wishlist, when I was a child. Astronaut,deep sea diver, explorer, engineer, doctor.......

Here I am, not even a writer. Mediocrity has me in its grip. But I'm going to escape. And live, for me. Fully till all my energy is sapped and it's time for sleep.

I exist, I work,I live

For me.