SIMPLY RANDOM

Well here I am with a gap of ages (not that loads of people read my blog anyway)....with loads to write ..yet i have nothing which I can pin down as such. That's why this post is called simply random, I am writing without thinking just letting my fingers think for me, not knowing what will come out as the answer.

I wonder when lizards haunt houses, especially kitchens do they ever think about the repercussions? My mother goes into a swoon every time she spies one in her domain...behind the fridge or in the space between two plates or just out reach on top of the tube light. She will spray the whole house to death (with cockroach repellent, mortein and other such stuff which i may add is completely useless on lizards..even on the cockroaches themselves). She'll spray it on the lizard and in the process kill all of us with the noxious fumes as she rushes from room to room in search of the bugger. Then when the lizard moves a bit..she'll yell out loud for dad or me or nebody else to come to her rescue. Dad will just swat the reptile with a flick of the broom and its dead. Me, I scream even louder than mom and hop on the spot like its gonna eat me any second. Then I chase it back into the dark corner it came from, all the while shaking and screaming and uttering war hoops...it looks back at me from those crabbed little eyes which seem to say" I'm gonna eat u and poison u..." then it promptly slithers out again. Which causes me to scream and start, while letting it get away when mom suddenly yells " go catch it u fool". I return to my senses and chase it out of the window, if it is my lucky day otherwise it goes into another corner where the search begins again. Phew!! I have saved the day, until the next time the monster decides to appear again.

A series of unfortunate events have plagued my life ever since....well just ever since. First, my project for which I have stayed up the entire night is badly formatted by a person who knows all there is to know about formatting, next my movie plans have been canceled after almost a month of pleading and bargaining, when we finally decide to go for the movie - its all botched up. Makes me conclude that he didn't want to watch the movie again in the first place. My projects are not done..I still have to do two pending projects and I have a whole list of things that I want to do, watch movies (incidentally the last movie that i saw in a theater was jaane tu..which is like way too ancient). Also, I have loads to study - and only little time to do it...and the worst part is I'm not interested anymore in anything. Studying, projects, work, book, life.. nothing. I have become a shadow of my former self and all my fire is gone. All that need and drive to do something and be something is gone to be replaced by a nothingness and a bone deep boredom. From what I do not know. Maybe I myself am not living up to my policy of living one day at a time, taking every moment as it comes. Nowadays all my thoughts are focused on one thing and
one thing alone. And I certainly cant take that risk now..after the mistakes of the past. It's my final year after all. Funny how I don't feel 20 at all. In fact I feel - I don't know. There are times when I feel as old as the day, then other times I feel like I'm just being reborn - like yesterday when I sat at my window looking out into the yellow sunset. Times when I feel weary, so much so that it aches deep within my heart - like a wounded animal. Intense pain which I feel will surely kill me. On other days I live and laugh like there's no tomorrow. Though such days are less now. (Don't I sound like a heroine from some sad Byronic novel!!)

Now that I've finished the para..I go thru it and I realise how pathetic I sound. So I try not to cry - for what cannot be and for what has already happened. I don't know yet, but maybe I shall realise that it's just a part and parcel of life and I need to live it - all the ups and downs. I'm not making a promise, for I cannot keep it. But this is what I can do - aim to plan each day and do as much as I can..pushing myself more and more.

I think I hear my mom screaming..maybe its another lizard..damn the buggers. Burn them, burn them!!