Falling down

The idea of a blog is to write, unload your thoughts...unburden yourself..de clutter the mind...yada yada yada yada...If yes, then it goes without saying that since the last 5 months my mind has been insanely cluttered, hopelessly burdened and irritatingly chaotic. It's true. I have finally got my hands on a keyboard and the mind space to type...let my brains take over and just type.

Patterns that keep recurring. That's my major dilemma. And it was just yesterday that I realised that all of it, somewhere down the line starts from choices. The choices we make, the paths which ultimately emerge from those choices, the emotions and drama (or lack of it) associated with those choices...all lead us to where we are now. And if we are smart enough to see the pattern, we try and break free. Not before committing certain grave mistakes...Possibly a catalyst to break free. And once we break free, we see the pattern we have fallen into, yet again. 

Friends are those precious few, who along with your family will always support you. And inspire you, constantly. The ones who will say, "it's ok, you know you were an ass, but at least you won't do it the next time". I have such friends, who will listen and judge me by no harsher measure than love. Who will snap at my silliness, but give me reasons and excuses which soothe my bruised soul. Which if I repeat to myself once more, sound true. Most of the time they are. Because we are so deeply engrossed in ourselves, that we forget to see how we are...actually. The patterns we follow, which only friends can preempt and warn us. 

I have lived for 4 months in a hotel, out of a suitcase, stayed in an ashram, slept in a studio, slept on a chair with speakers next to me, slept in cabs and in people's houses. There have been times when I have pushed myself so bad that I don't know what zone I went into...everything seemed to be floating. Like sparkly stars.

Neediness - This seems to be the problem of the day. Here I will speak for me...since it's an affliction I defend myself against. Unsuccessfully. I always try to be independent, self sufficient, self reliant. And one fine day, it all unravels. All the meticulous hard work and building...Snap, flashes of time ...and one hasty word leads to some more..till all the pent up angst spills out. And then it's too late. Snap snap, more flashes of time and I see myself losing out. All because I become needy and dependent. Because I don't know where to stop. 

Fucking up is relative, a little less harshness on you and a little more love. 

This is my first attempt after a long and insane time, to write. Coherently. Decisively. Nicely. It's rusty, like a cycle I knew how to ride long ago, but I have forgotten and so has the cycle. And we both have to take a couple of turns around the park, fall off, get hurt...Before I can ride like the wind. 

Here's to falling down.